I thought that I had to always bring value into a friendship to have any friends, and I really think that limited me, in more ways than one. I thought the value I could bring was always information or something they didn't have. For example, let's say I had a car and they were in need of a driver. I thought that those were the only friendships I could have. Which kind of leads to my next point, when I realized I was a power-hungry social climbing person. In the background of all my thoughts, so subconsciously that I didn't realize till a couple of ,weeks ago, I always moved in the interest of better social perception and hierarchy. I think that's also what actually reinstated the belief to only bring value to those friendships because when one is on a lower chain they must bring more than higher chains to overcompensate. When I realized that I was looking at friendships all wrong I didn't know what to do with that information. It's like finding out there is a bug in the system but you don't know how to fix it. So honestly I sat there dazed and was muffled for weeks and I think somehow me just knowing that, my brain could at least be more consciously perceptive when I acted in those ways. I tried taking steps like purposely talking to continually talk to my perceived lower chain people when higher chain individuals walked in. Sometimes it was hard, and then I would also just completely overthink this scenario. In a way that this behavior is something I think we learn from a very young age and blah, blah blah and twists my words and it would become an even more twisted situation in my head.
See what I think is that we have a bunch of data and we constantly try to seek out patterns, to predict, solve and live life, but what if there is no pattern? What if there are multiple ways to come to one solution? What if there are complete chunks of data we are overlooking?
I don't know the answer to those questions but maybe someday I or another person will figure this out.
